Just a quick update as it has been two weeks since my last post and all I have to say is, I have a new son. He is a completely different little guy. He is the fun loving, jokester kid that I haven't seen in I don't know how long.
He has received tons of praise in the last two weeks, which has been a huge self esteem booster. He is working independently at school with minimal adult assistance. He is able to pull himself out of his anger safely (most of the time) and the yelling and screaming at the house has dramatically eased. Homework is less arguing and fighting. Chores get done with little redirection. He has earned every one of his daily rewards at school AND at home.
I honestly have fallen in love with my son again. I seriously hope this will continue, but I plan on enjoying every minute of Z's happiness.
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Sunday, November 8, 2015
A light?!?!?! ... Maybe? Please not a train!
Some days are easier then others... for everyone. My days (as well noted in prior posts) are endless roller coasters of emotions. Emotions that range from elated to hell hath no fury and everything in between. About two weeks ago, I received an email from Z's therapist saying it is time to discuss meds. The first thing that went through my head was today's the day, the day I've been dreading! I knew this day was coming but I so hoped it wouldn't. So instead of burying my head in the sand, I immediately called the pediatrician's office, guns blazing and ready to saddle this problem. I thought, I'll call, they'll squeeze me in, he will be on meds by Friday, Monday at the latest. Good. To. Go. ... ... ... Yeah... not so much. The next available appointment is December 4. *screeching tires* Wait, WHAT?!?!?! I have to wait SIX WEEKS!
I'm not sure his teachers can survive 6 more weeks of my 'demonic when he wants to be' son. I hung my head in defeat, made the appointment and started on my quest to gather as much supporting documentation to help the Doctor understand what has been going on. Maybe... just maybe she will see how bad he has been and make it a point to at least call in meds. Hey one can hope right? I told the office staff that I would fax over the Vanderbilt Tests from his teachers, latchkey workers, and me; along with some emails. No problem, I got this! Yep, I got this all right... all 50+ pages of documentation. Looking down at my 4 inches of documentation, I decided I should just deliver the package in person. Now comes the waiting game... WORST. GAME. EVER!
I spent that weekend really sitting back and watching Z. Mom can I watch TV? Mom can I go outside and play basketball? Mom can you help me build Legos? Mom can you get my hat and gloves so I can play basketball? Mom I'll be right back I have to use the rest room. *whew* That was just 5 minutes. Z never came back from the rest room to get his gloves and hat, so I went on a mission to find him. He was in his room playing with his Leap Pad. WHOA! All this went on in 5 minutes and he is not even participating in one thing that he asked to do. Looking back, the flipping TV channels, the switching games constantly on the Leap Pad, the mass array of toys throughout the house, they were all signs. Every single one of them and I was too stubborn to see what was going on right in front of my face.
I spent the rest of the weekend and week beating myself up in silence, yelling at me in my head for being so self centered and so selfish. How long has this gone on? How long has Z been trying to tell me Mom I need help, and I just chucked it all up to normal 6YO boy stuff? Then parent/teacher conferences were upon us. Not only was I bashing myself, now I get to hear about how I chose to ignore this problem that started months ago, but we had to wait until it was your decision. Or listen to how much of a disruption Z is in class, or how destructive he can be. I was mentally preparing myself for the worst.
Conference day came and Z spent the day at Y camp while I worked. They always wear him out and as expected, he fell asleep on the way home. Dan agreed to stay at home so I could attend Z's conference. My appointment was at 7:15 but I arrived early on the off chance the teacher would be finished with the previous appointment. As I'm waiting I walked the hallway looking at all the kids artwork on the wall. One project was to describe a pumpkin. My son's was the worst of them all. Sloppy handwriting, broken sentences and thoughts, just a mess in general. Another project was decorating witches hats. Again, my sons hat is the one that is a scribbled mess. Others had designs, had drawn pictures, words wrote, etc. To me, another sign that I was failing my son. Along came 7:30 (along with the 7:30 parents) and I'm still waiting.
Finally his special education teacher came down the hall to see me, she gave me a hug and thanked me for everything I was doing for Z. Wait? WHAT? How could she say that knowing I could have come to this conclusion weeks ago? Z wouldn't be suffering like he is. We sat in the hallway discussing his classwork and certain observations that were going on. 7:40 came and Z's teacher finally wrapped up with the prior conference. She greeted me with a huge smile and said "WOW! Never in my life have I had a parent move as fast as you. I cannot wrap my head around everything you have accomplished for Z in the last 72 hours. You amaze me!" Okay... this is not what I was expecting.
Yes, Z is having behavioral issues but his work isn't really suffering too bad academically. Math is Zander's strength and English is his weakness. Most importantly he knows the work, he's proved it. He just cannot stay focused. He will get bored or convince himself the work is too difficult and he just shuts down. The teachers continued to dote on Z, saying how sweet he is, always helping, has a contagious smile, hard worker when he wants to work, they absolutely adore him. After listening to everything, I left the conference feeling really good about my son. I am positive that keeping Z off medication is going to hold him back. For the first time, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. If we can settle his thinking and stop the racing thoughts, he should be able to concentrate and do his work, hopefully without as much frustration. That is my hope.
December 4 is such a long way out. My head was racing with thoughts, questions and concerns. How much is Z going to miss while we wait to get into his pediatrician's office? How much more can I take, physically and emotionally? Most importantly, how much education will he miss because of his inability to stay on task? I finally decided that this was how God wanted this story to unfold. There is a reason Z is has to wait until December. I gave this situation to God.
The following Tuesday night, about 6:30 my phone rang, it was the pediatrician's office. The doctor had looked at the stack of papers I dropped off and agreed Zander needed to come in sooner. Praise the Lord! Monday morning is our appointment. This is such a relief knowing on Monday, Z and I will take the first step to hopefully a bright (and less traumatic) future. I find myself now thinking about all the positive that the world can hold for us... mostly Z. It's about time for a new chapter in our lives if you ask me. Z deserves to be happy and to have a carefree childhood, well as carefree as possible. It's time to turn the page.
I'm not sure his teachers can survive 6 more weeks of my 'demonic when he wants to be' son. I hung my head in defeat, made the appointment and started on my quest to gather as much supporting documentation to help the Doctor understand what has been going on. Maybe... just maybe she will see how bad he has been and make it a point to at least call in meds. Hey one can hope right? I told the office staff that I would fax over the Vanderbilt Tests from his teachers, latchkey workers, and me; along with some emails. No problem, I got this! Yep, I got this all right... all 50+ pages of documentation. Looking down at my 4 inches of documentation, I decided I should just deliver the package in person. Now comes the waiting game... WORST. GAME. EVER!
I spent that weekend really sitting back and watching Z. Mom can I watch TV? Mom can I go outside and play basketball? Mom can you help me build Legos? Mom can you get my hat and gloves so I can play basketball? Mom I'll be right back I have to use the rest room. *whew* That was just 5 minutes. Z never came back from the rest room to get his gloves and hat, so I went on a mission to find him. He was in his room playing with his Leap Pad. WHOA! All this went on in 5 minutes and he is not even participating in one thing that he asked to do. Looking back, the flipping TV channels, the switching games constantly on the Leap Pad, the mass array of toys throughout the house, they were all signs. Every single one of them and I was too stubborn to see what was going on right in front of my face.
I spent the rest of the weekend and week beating myself up in silence, yelling at me in my head for being so self centered and so selfish. How long has this gone on? How long has Z been trying to tell me Mom I need help, and I just chucked it all up to normal 6YO boy stuff? Then parent/teacher conferences were upon us. Not only was I bashing myself, now I get to hear about how I chose to ignore this problem that started months ago, but we had to wait until it was your decision. Or listen to how much of a disruption Z is in class, or how destructive he can be. I was mentally preparing myself for the worst.
Conference day came and Z spent the day at Y camp while I worked. They always wear him out and as expected, he fell asleep on the way home. Dan agreed to stay at home so I could attend Z's conference. My appointment was at 7:15 but I arrived early on the off chance the teacher would be finished with the previous appointment. As I'm waiting I walked the hallway looking at all the kids artwork on the wall. One project was to describe a pumpkin. My son's was the worst of them all. Sloppy handwriting, broken sentences and thoughts, just a mess in general. Another project was decorating witches hats. Again, my sons hat is the one that is a scribbled mess. Others had designs, had drawn pictures, words wrote, etc. To me, another sign that I was failing my son. Along came 7:30 (along with the 7:30 parents) and I'm still waiting.
Finally his special education teacher came down the hall to see me, she gave me a hug and thanked me for everything I was doing for Z. Wait? WHAT? How could she say that knowing I could have come to this conclusion weeks ago? Z wouldn't be suffering like he is. We sat in the hallway discussing his classwork and certain observations that were going on. 7:40 came and Z's teacher finally wrapped up with the prior conference. She greeted me with a huge smile and said "WOW! Never in my life have I had a parent move as fast as you. I cannot wrap my head around everything you have accomplished for Z in the last 72 hours. You amaze me!" Okay... this is not what I was expecting.
Yes, Z is having behavioral issues but his work isn't really suffering too bad academically. Math is Zander's strength and English is his weakness. Most importantly he knows the work, he's proved it. He just cannot stay focused. He will get bored or convince himself the work is too difficult and he just shuts down. The teachers continued to dote on Z, saying how sweet he is, always helping, has a contagious smile, hard worker when he wants to work, they absolutely adore him. After listening to everything, I left the conference feeling really good about my son. I am positive that keeping Z off medication is going to hold him back. For the first time, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. If we can settle his thinking and stop the racing thoughts, he should be able to concentrate and do his work, hopefully without as much frustration. That is my hope.
December 4 is such a long way out. My head was racing with thoughts, questions and concerns. How much is Z going to miss while we wait to get into his pediatrician's office? How much more can I take, physically and emotionally? Most importantly, how much education will he miss because of his inability to stay on task? I finally decided that this was how God wanted this story to unfold. There is a reason Z is has to wait until December. I gave this situation to God.
The following Tuesday night, about 6:30 my phone rang, it was the pediatrician's office. The doctor had looked at the stack of papers I dropped off and agreed Zander needed to come in sooner. Praise the Lord! Monday morning is our appointment. This is such a relief knowing on Monday, Z and I will take the first step to hopefully a bright (and less traumatic) future. I find myself now thinking about all the positive that the world can hold for us... mostly Z. It's about time for a new chapter in our lives if you ask me. Z deserves to be happy and to have a carefree childhood, well as carefree as possible. It's time to turn the page.
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
God really IS listening.
Well to follow-up from my last blog the following week was a nightmare. We went from a great Saturday, to a horrible Sunday, to a good day Monday, to a bad day Tuesday, to a good day on Wednesday (evening was another story), to a worse Thursday, to a good Friday. There are more ups on and downs in my life right now than a Six Flags roller coaster.
Dan and I talked about making a few changes to our Sunday routine. He is going to stay home with Z and have some boy bonding time while I head to Dad's to take him to Church and breakfast. Less stress on all of us which is really important to me. My time with Dad is limited and I hate spending the entire visit disciplining Zander.
Tuesday was a bad day for Z. His 1st grade teacher called to tell me Z was becoming very aggressive and pushing tables because he was angry. He was able to calm down on his own which made me think he was finally starting to work through some of his anger issues by using the anger management plan in place at school. By Wednesday morning, Z seemed to have his head on correct. Pleasant attitude, willing to do chores, out the door for school with no issues at all. Huge step in the right direction in my opinion!
Wednesday afternoon my cell phone rang and noticed it was Z's school. My heart just sank. What did Z do now? His teacher called to praise Z about what a wonderful day he had. I was so proud of my lil guy! So I decided to take Z to McDonald's for dinner, just the two of us, to reward him for his awesome day. After dinner, Z was to start Religion class that evening. We had a long talk about what I expected out of him and he reassured me that he would be on his best behavior. I wanted to believe him but he's burned me in the past. Well, my gut was right. The first 10 minutes into PSR, Z went into demonic mode. Refusal, verbal spouting of hate and dislike for anything and everything having to do with where we were at, what we were doing, etc. Oh, what an embarrassing night! When the classes left to go to their classroom I literally dropped Z off and ran. By the end of PSR, Z was a completely different person. He was in love with his teacher, he loved "larigion" class, and wanted to know when can he come back. Could it be, we are on to a new Z?!?!?! Miracles do happen!
Thursday afternoon I received a call from the school social worker. Z had to be restrained, he punched another kid, he kicked and punched the school walls and lockers. I really wanted to purchase a one way ticket to anywhere but here by this point. Not only was I frustrated and angry but I also felt like a complete failure. Why am I going through this? What did I do to deserve this? How am I going to get through to him? Maybe he would be better off with his biological dad? I had a lot of soul searching to do. I wasn't sure I could deal with another day of this. But I somehow found the strength to carry on.
So by Friday, I was completely numb. And Z left for school in a fantastic mood. My head is spinning with his mood swings. I don't know whether to run and hide or praise him for making good choices. By the end of the day, Z was back to his mean, bossy self even though he had a good day at school. He spent the weekend with his Dad and came back just as mean, bossy, and sassy as before he left.
I went into the new week with my head down and teeth gritted just preparing myself for another horrid week. Surprisingly, Zander had a decent week. After everything from the week prior, I couldn't be happier for a quiet week. Z even took his therapist advice to heart and used it in school to help him remain calm.
He went to PSR last week after a week off for their Parish Mission and was excited to return. A complete 180 from two weeks prior. Don't get me wrong, Z isn't an angel but I see that he is trying to make better choices. Even today he said how upset he was that Religion was only one night a week, it should be on Tuesday AND Wednesdays. Such a huge step in the right direction. God really is listening. Praise God for small feats!
Dan and I talked about making a few changes to our Sunday routine. He is going to stay home with Z and have some boy bonding time while I head to Dad's to take him to Church and breakfast. Less stress on all of us which is really important to me. My time with Dad is limited and I hate spending the entire visit disciplining Zander.
Tuesday was a bad day for Z. His 1st grade teacher called to tell me Z was becoming very aggressive and pushing tables because he was angry. He was able to calm down on his own which made me think he was finally starting to work through some of his anger issues by using the anger management plan in place at school. By Wednesday morning, Z seemed to have his head on correct. Pleasant attitude, willing to do chores, out the door for school with no issues at all. Huge step in the right direction in my opinion!
Wednesday afternoon my cell phone rang and noticed it was Z's school. My heart just sank. What did Z do now? His teacher called to praise Z about what a wonderful day he had. I was so proud of my lil guy! So I decided to take Z to McDonald's for dinner, just the two of us, to reward him for his awesome day. After dinner, Z was to start Religion class that evening. We had a long talk about what I expected out of him and he reassured me that he would be on his best behavior. I wanted to believe him but he's burned me in the past. Well, my gut was right. The first 10 minutes into PSR, Z went into demonic mode. Refusal, verbal spouting of hate and dislike for anything and everything having to do with where we were at, what we were doing, etc. Oh, what an embarrassing night! When the classes left to go to their classroom I literally dropped Z off and ran. By the end of PSR, Z was a completely different person. He was in love with his teacher, he loved "larigion" class, and wanted to know when can he come back. Could it be, we are on to a new Z?!?!?! Miracles do happen!
Thursday afternoon I received a call from the school social worker. Z had to be restrained, he punched another kid, he kicked and punched the school walls and lockers. I really wanted to purchase a one way ticket to anywhere but here by this point. Not only was I frustrated and angry but I also felt like a complete failure. Why am I going through this? What did I do to deserve this? How am I going to get through to him? Maybe he would be better off with his biological dad? I had a lot of soul searching to do. I wasn't sure I could deal with another day of this. But I somehow found the strength to carry on.
So by Friday, I was completely numb. And Z left for school in a fantastic mood. My head is spinning with his mood swings. I don't know whether to run and hide or praise him for making good choices. By the end of the day, Z was back to his mean, bossy self even though he had a good day at school. He spent the weekend with his Dad and came back just as mean, bossy, and sassy as before he left.
I went into the new week with my head down and teeth gritted just preparing myself for another horrid week. Surprisingly, Zander had a decent week. After everything from the week prior, I couldn't be happier for a quiet week. Z even took his therapist advice to heart and used it in school to help him remain calm.
He went to PSR last week after a week off for their Parish Mission and was excited to return. A complete 180 from two weeks prior. Don't get me wrong, Z isn't an angel but I see that he is trying to make better choices. Even today he said how upset he was that Religion was only one night a week, it should be on Tuesday AND Wednesdays. Such a huge step in the right direction. God really is listening. Praise God for small feats!
Sunday, September 20, 2015
The start of a new day.
So....
Yeap, I've decided to start a blog. I've wanted to do this for a long time but always had that nagging 'you just want attention' voice in the back of my head. No not really, I have enough attention in my life at the moment. I dream constantly of moving to the country with no one within a 5 mile radius of me. I want to drop off radar and listen to the crickets and bull frogs. No more BS!
Since that dream is never going to happen, I had another thought as to why I should start a blog. One day, hopefully many, many, many years down the road, Z is going to have children and when that day comes I want to remember every evil, mean, loving, proud moment he has put me through. Mainly so I can show these blogs to him when HIS child puts him through the wringer like he did to me.
The last month has been a struggle emotionally for me. Work just laid off 9,000 employees globally and thankfully Dan and my job was safe. I had to watch coworkers walk out with security, I've had to process their termination paperwork, and I've had to try to be politically correct when the employee is calling me for help finalizing their severance package. That is really hard to do when you know how sucky the situation is.
On top of that, Z broke his foot while with his Dad during visitation. The bills are piling up between the ER, the Orthopedic Specialist and his surgery to have his lip fixed from the last injury from his Dad's visitation about 2 years ago. And while I'm on the subject of my ex...I'm waiting for him to try to take me back to court for a reduction in child support since the "love of his life" is now going after him for support and custody of their child together. He can't afford two babies....which is why I wish he would just sign Z over so I can move on with my life.
Then there is the subject of Zander and Sunday church. He is the most disrespectful, evil boy when he wants to be. He has anger and he uses that anger to dictate his actions. He doesn't have any respect for women... period. He mouths back to his Grandfather, he kicks, flails, screams, cries you name it when he doesn't get his way. He reminds me everyday of my ex. I cannot express the hate that has filled my heart. That hate grows and grows and it needs to stop, but I do not know how to stop it. All I think about is every negative aspect of someone or something and cannot focus on anything positive.
But my Z is such a smart and bright boy, it just breaks my heart knowing how manipulative he is. I know he can be so much more which is why I keep fighting everyday to try to keep him on the right path but this all has taken its toll on me and Dan. I wish I could find that button and turn him into the angel I know he can be.
So with that said, yesterday, the three of us went to Centerfield to play mini golf. Z was so well behaved. We both praised him all day. We even had a dad and mom with 3 boys that were playing about 2 holes behind us, praise Z. He told his boys that they needed to behave like this little boy over here, pointing to Z. Zander was beaming! I had the look of, are you talking about MY son? on my face. Dan was so proud, grinning from ear to ear. That was the moment that I thought my son really did want to change .
Today started so well and then crumbled about half way through Church and spiraled right into breakfast. I made a scene twice at PJ's and this time I did not care who saw or any consequences that might happen during my 'coming to Jesus' talk with him. The rest of the day has been Zander arguing his punishment (even though he picked his punishment), Dan is upset and frustrated and I have been on a mission to clean the house. I must say, my house looks pretty good! I never made it outside to get the yard work done but I've shed a lot of tears, done a lot of thinking and sent a few text messages discussing said crappy day.
This is what I've realized from my crappy day:
Yeap, I've decided to start a blog. I've wanted to do this for a long time but always had that nagging 'you just want attention' voice in the back of my head. No not really, I have enough attention in my life at the moment. I dream constantly of moving to the country with no one within a 5 mile radius of me. I want to drop off radar and listen to the crickets and bull frogs. No more BS!
Since that dream is never going to happen, I had another thought as to why I should start a blog. One day, hopefully many, many, many years down the road, Z is going to have children and when that day comes I want to remember every evil, mean, loving, proud moment he has put me through. Mainly so I can show these blogs to him when HIS child puts him through the wringer like he did to me.
The last month has been a struggle emotionally for me. Work just laid off 9,000 employees globally and thankfully Dan and my job was safe. I had to watch coworkers walk out with security, I've had to process their termination paperwork, and I've had to try to be politically correct when the employee is calling me for help finalizing their severance package. That is really hard to do when you know how sucky the situation is.
On top of that, Z broke his foot while with his Dad during visitation. The bills are piling up between the ER, the Orthopedic Specialist and his surgery to have his lip fixed from the last injury from his Dad's visitation about 2 years ago. And while I'm on the subject of my ex...I'm waiting for him to try to take me back to court for a reduction in child support since the "love of his life" is now going after him for support and custody of their child together. He can't afford two babies....which is why I wish he would just sign Z over so I can move on with my life.
Then there is the subject of Zander and Sunday church. He is the most disrespectful, evil boy when he wants to be. He has anger and he uses that anger to dictate his actions. He doesn't have any respect for women... period. He mouths back to his Grandfather, he kicks, flails, screams, cries you name it when he doesn't get his way. He reminds me everyday of my ex. I cannot express the hate that has filled my heart. That hate grows and grows and it needs to stop, but I do not know how to stop it. All I think about is every negative aspect of someone or something and cannot focus on anything positive.
But my Z is such a smart and bright boy, it just breaks my heart knowing how manipulative he is. I know he can be so much more which is why I keep fighting everyday to try to keep him on the right path but this all has taken its toll on me and Dan. I wish I could find that button and turn him into the angel I know he can be.
So with that said, yesterday, the three of us went to Centerfield to play mini golf. Z was so well behaved. We both praised him all day. We even had a dad and mom with 3 boys that were playing about 2 holes behind us, praise Z. He told his boys that they needed to behave like this little boy over here, pointing to Z. Zander was beaming! I had the look of, are you talking about MY son? on my face. Dan was so proud, grinning from ear to ear. That was the moment that I thought my son really did want to change .
Today started so well and then crumbled about half way through Church and spiraled right into breakfast. I made a scene twice at PJ's and this time I did not care who saw or any consequences that might happen during my 'coming to Jesus' talk with him. The rest of the day has been Zander arguing his punishment (even though he picked his punishment), Dan is upset and frustrated and I have been on a mission to clean the house. I must say, my house looks pretty good! I never made it outside to get the yard work done but I've shed a lot of tears, done a lot of thinking and sent a few text messages discussing said crappy day.
This is what I've realized from my crappy day:
- I still have a pretty darn good son... most of the time.
- I have a healthy son, just a few broken bones and one fixed lip.
- I have a really good job, even if it is only at the moment.
- I have a house that I live in. Not an apartment, or duplex, or a basement... but a house.
- I have a wonderful fiancee that is by my side. He may not be the most affectionate man but I know he will be there when I need him.
- I have a vehicle to get back and forth to work, Breese, stores, wherever.
- And most important, I know I have family and friends that will always be there from me and Z. Good times or bad times.
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