Yeap, I've decided to start a blog. I've wanted to do this for a long time but always had that nagging 'you just want attention' voice in the back of my head. No not really, I have enough attention in my life at the moment. I dream constantly of moving to the country with no one within a 5 mile radius of me. I want to drop off radar and listen to the crickets and bull frogs. No more BS!
Since that dream is never going to happen, I had another thought as to why I should start a blog. One day, hopefully many, many, many years down the road, Z is going to have children and when that day comes I want to remember every evil, mean, loving, proud moment he has put me through. Mainly so I can show these blogs to him when HIS child puts him through the wringer like he did to me.
The last month has been a struggle emotionally for me. Work just laid off 9,000 employees globally and thankfully Dan and my job was safe. I had to watch coworkers walk out with security, I've had to process their termination paperwork, and I've had to try to be politically correct when the employee is calling me for help finalizing their severance package. That is really hard to do when you know how sucky the situation is.
On top of that, Z broke his foot while with his Dad during visitation. The bills are piling up between the ER, the Orthopedic Specialist and his surgery to have his lip fixed from the last injury from his Dad's visitation about 2 years ago. And while I'm on the subject of my ex...I'm waiting for him to try to take me back to court for a reduction in child support since the "love of his life" is now going after him for support and custody of their child together. He can't afford two babies....which is why I wish he would just sign Z over so I can move on with my life.
Then there is the subject of Zander and Sunday church. He is the most disrespectful, evil boy when he wants to be. He has anger and he uses that anger to dictate his actions. He doesn't have any respect for women... period. He mouths back to his Grandfather, he kicks, flails, screams, cries you name it when he doesn't get his way. He reminds me everyday of my ex. I cannot express the hate that has filled my heart. That hate grows and grows and it needs to stop, but I do not know how to stop it. All I think about is every negative aspect of someone or something and cannot focus on anything positive.
But my Z is such a smart and bright boy, it just breaks my heart knowing how manipulative he is. I know he can be so much more which is why I keep fighting everyday to try to keep him on the right path but this all has taken its toll on me and Dan. I wish I could find that button and turn him into the angel I know he can be.
So with that said, yesterday, the three of us went to Centerfield to play mini golf. Z was so well behaved. We both praised him all day. We even had a dad and mom with 3 boys that were playing about 2 holes behind us, praise Z. He told his boys that they needed to behave like this little boy over here, pointing to Z. Zander was beaming! I had the look of, are you talking about MY son? on my face. Dan was so proud, grinning from ear to ear. That was the moment that I thought my son really did want to change .
Today started so well and then crumbled about half way through Church and spiraled right into breakfast. I made a scene twice at PJ's and this time I did not care who saw or any consequences that might happen during my 'coming to Jesus' talk with him. The rest of the day has been Zander arguing his punishment (even though he picked his punishment), Dan is upset and frustrated and I have been on a mission to clean the house. I must say, my house looks pretty good! I never made it outside to get the yard work done but I've shed a lot of tears, done a lot of thinking and sent a few text messages discussing said crappy day.
This is what I've realized from my crappy day:
- I still have a pretty darn good son... most of the time.
- I have a healthy son, just a few broken bones and one fixed lip.
- I have a really good job, even if it is only at the moment.
- I have a house that I live in. Not an apartment, or duplex, or a basement... but a house.
- I have a wonderful fiancee that is by my side. He may not be the most affectionate man but I know he will be there when I need him.
- I have a vehicle to get back and forth to work, Breese, stores, wherever.
- And most important, I know I have family and friends that will always be there from me and Z. Good times or bad times.
